In college I was always known as the “driven, focused one.” In my circle of friends, with professors and teachers, and with family, I was typically thought of as someone who had their shit together. And in many ways, I did.
I always got As and a handful of Bs (minus the C in math but whatever because, math), made the Dean’s List every semester, turned papers in on time and graduated in the allocated four years I had set for myself, nabbing a couple student awards and leaving with a fairly solid reputation and resume to boot.
And then I entered adulthood, where I very quickly found that I did not, in fact, have my shit together. Without the structure of semesters, an end goal (getting my degree) and friends surrounding me every waking second, things suddenly weren’t that great. Things were actually pretty scary, lonely, uncertain. And that’s how I landed where I am today.
Not rock bottom, but pretty damn close.
I am 24. I work at entry-level status at a typical office job with a salary so low that I cannot afford to move off of my parents’ couch. I battle with binge-eating disorder, which I was not aware was something that actually existed beyond my own struggles until very recently. In line with that, I am also slightly overweight and out of shape. I am still single, but that’s not to say I haven’t had my fair share of making bad decisions and spending way too much time and emotion on unavailable dudes. I don’t drink very often, but when I do, I usually drink too much. And to top that nice heap of a mess off, everything I once believed about God, spirituality and the world as we know it, has been tossed out the window, leaving me scared and full of doubt about something I never questioned before.
I went from being the girl who was juggling 18 units, an internship, a job, leading an academic/career club and rocking a decent 2-pack, with tons of friends, to being an insecure, barely making-it ghost of a woman.
And you know what? I have accepted all of that — every flaw in myself, I have come to accept and to absorb about myself. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, but now that I’m here, huddled in a cave just a few feet above rock bottom, I have found a place to begin again. The ground floor, as it were.
I can’t tell you how I’m going to pick myself back up. I can’t tell you that I’m not going to slip and end up at rock bottom before that happens.
But what I can tell you, is that I’m going to try my damned hardest to find myself again, to set some life goals and to move forward, and upwards from the place I am now. I lost focus and I lost confidence, and that led me to this dark little space. But it’s time for me to grow a pair and get out of here.
This is just another twentysomething’s journey to adulthood and trying to figure out how to make it out alive and maybe, actually help others find their way too.
So here goes nothing.
Oh post-grad life.